Fat chance, right? Here’s what you do.

One, keep copious records of every single year. Box each set up and do not ever throw them away. Make notes about deductible events and save all receipts, hopefully in some sort of order. Keep all bank statements, credit card statements, everything. Auditors hate this, by the way.

Two, hire your own Mike Tyson. There are people out there that will step into the ring on your behalf, and some of these folks are well known. Start asking around until you find one within your price range, then hire him. Make sure he’s fought the I.R.S. before and won a few, which his past clients will tell you all about. And, by the way, since you’ve hired this guy, see him in private and tell him the entire brutal truth about your tax return and what you’ve been up to. If that ‘entertainment’ detail item included a fifth of tequila and a red hot tamale to help you drink it, say so. The guy doesn’t care and he’ll never tell, but holding it back may cripple him up when he steps into the ring.

Three, if and when you go in to confront the I.R.S., keep your big mouth shut. Don’t say anything, don’t blink, don’t scratch. Keep a straight poker face, and do not blink or play with your ring or tap your fingers when shit comes to sweat. Your guy will win this for you.

Four, and finally, there may come a time when your guy will tell you in private that, yeah, the I.R.S. is putting the hose to you. It’s going to cost you X dollars to cut the bill by Y dollars. Ergo, make an offer of X minus something and hope they take it. Yeah, you’re still getting hosed. Yeah, it sucks. You hired this guy, now do what he tells you to do.

I’ve had it both ways. On one audit I got the royal shaft and it crippled me up financially for ten years. Yeah, you read that right – ten (10) years. I finally stumbled across a guy who looked at my situation and straightened it out for me. He’d done this before, he had experience and by the time he was through (6 months) I was free and clear and my bill got cut by half – don’t ask.

Another time the I.R.S. goon just took one look at the guy who represented me (Whiplash Winchell) and folded. There are few things better in this life than making Leviathan cut and run.

After it’s all over, start drinking and invite your guy along.

Nancy – Thanks!